To respond to criticism, take a moment, ask for a specific example, check your understanding, and then say what you accept or see differently. Listening does not require agreeing with inaccurate feedback. Disagreement is not, by itself, evidence that you are defensive.
“I want to understand that before I respond. Can you give me the most recent example?”
If you need more time, ask for it directly: “Could we come back to this after lunch? I want to read the examples properly.” You do not have to describe your emotional state to your manager in order to take a pause.
Turn a label into something you can examine
“You need to show more leadership” is not yet a clear action. Ask what the person observed and what they expected instead.
Manager: “You seemed defensive in the planning meeting.”
You: “Which part do you mean?”
Manager: “When Jordan asked about the risk, you said we had already decided and moved on.”
You: “I remember that. Are you concerned that I didn’t explain the decision, or that I closed off a new concern?”
This fictional example distinguishes two possible issues. The next step depends on which one the feedback giver means and whether the evidence supports it.
CCL’s guidance on situation, behavior, impact and intent is useful here: a specific event and an actual conversation about intent are more informative than assumptions about character.
If you agree with the point
Name the part you accept and make the next action concrete:
I agree I cut the question short. Next time I’ll ask whether it is a new risk before moving on. Could you let me know after the next planning meeting whether that was clearer?You do not need to agree that you “always do this” if only one instance has been discussed. Ask for additional examples if the feedback concerns a pattern.
If you caused a practical problem, pair the change with a repair. See repairing trust after a mistake.
If you agree with part and disagree with part
Separate the points instead of accepting or rejecting the whole comment:
“I agree I cut the answer short. I don’t agree that I ignored the risk: the decision log records it and the mitigation. I can explain the decision more clearly while still making room for new information.”
Provide relevant evidence without treating it as a reason the other person must have experienced the conversation differently. A decision can be documented and poorly communicated. Both points may need attention.
If the feedback is factually wrong
Ask to correct it, especially when it affects a written review:
The review says I missed the agreed Friday deadline. The updated brief moved the date to Tuesday, and I delivered Monday. Can we look at that record and correct the deadline example? I’d still like to understand the separate concern about stakeholder updates.If the facts remain disputed, ask how the disagreement can be recorded and what review process is available in your organization. Do not substitute a promise about future behavior for correcting a material error now.
If the wording is personal or the setting is wrong
You can set a limit on how the discussion happens:
“I’m willing to talk about the work. ‘Lazy’ doesn’t tell me which action you mean. Could we discuss a specific example privately?”
If the person will not provide an example, ask for the expected behavior and a later follow-up. You cannot fix an undefined target by inventing evidence against yourself.
The same principle can help with family or friends: “I want to understand the thing from this week that bothered you.” Keep space for their account without requiring them to fit a workplace feedback model.
Common mistakes
- Explaining before understanding: Your context may matter; first check which incident is being discussed.
- Saying “I’ll work on it” without a target: Ask what an observable change would look like.
- Treating every objection as defensiveness: Sometimes the facts or evaluation need correction.
- Overcorrecting: One comment about interruptions does not mean you should stop contributing in every meeting.
After the conversation
Write the example you were actually given, the part you accept, any unresolved disagreement and the next step. If no example was supplied, ask for one rather than guessing what the comment was “probably about.”
You can compare replies in TalkCraft’s Receiving Feedback Without Defensiveness course, including You Seem Defensive. A separate module, Respond Well to Feedback You Disagree With, explores disagreement. These are fictional written scenarios, not an assessment of your actual performance review.
If you are giving the feedback instead, use the feedback guide and responding to defensive reactions.
